I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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