i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Actions speak louder than pants.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
