Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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