two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
