My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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