I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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