literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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