i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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