i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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