I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
