if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
