Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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