4 words: hood of his car
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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