after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
