dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
