and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
