yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
