Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
