I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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