Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
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Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
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My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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