also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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