so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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