Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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