I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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