So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
