I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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