Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
