I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
