Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
