sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
