I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
