I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
