I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
