You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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