how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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