I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
