Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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