That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
