Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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