how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
