Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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