Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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