I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
