i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
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Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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