I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
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Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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