I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
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I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
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Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)