im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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