i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
