Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
