im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
