ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
