i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
