Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I AM VODKA MAN
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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