He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
