i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
