that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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